Sunday, 18 December 2016

how far I'll go

I've been standing at the edge of the water
Long as I can remember
Never really knowing why
I wish I could be the perfect daughter
But I come back to the water
No matter how hard I try

Every turn I take
Every trail I track
Every path I make
Every road leads back to the place I know
Where I cannot go
Where I long to be

See the light where the sky meets the sea
It calls me
No one knows how far it goes
If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me
One day I'll know
If I go there's just no telling how far I'll go

So I saw 'Moana'  last Friday and left the cinema with a serene calmness that I hadn't felt in a long time.  Spoilers aside, this film addressed something so incredibly relevant and much needed (and  I have been drowning in the soundtrack 24/7). 

The above are the lyrics to the song 'How Far I'll Go' from the film, and I highly recommend you give it a listen. If you read my last post, you will know that I have been dealing with a patch of anxiety. A very fluctuating patch of anxiety. A couple of weeks ago, the only way I felt as though I could survive a lesson was by watching the birds flutter through the windows. I spoke to a few teachers, my mum and a doctor but honestly, it was only something that I could conquer. Yes, I took a tablet before school for a few days and still frequently use Bach's Rescue Remedy drops, and yet the monster needed to be addressed internally. 

The source of my anxiety stems from fear of the future. At least, that is the conclusion I've drawn from myself. I am frightened of leaving home, I am frightened of dying and I am frightened of this momentous change I will undergo. There are days when I am excited and talking about uni fills me with this drive and ambition. And yet there is the underlying fear of the unknown that haunts my conversations. Anxiety is never really as concrete as I'm thinking of the future, therefore I feel anxious. I wish it was. My heart sporadically decides when it wants to start ferocious dancing- which is exactly when I must distract myself. 


These last few weeks I have had amazing, hilarious days at school where I've like me again. I refuse to let fear dictate.  I refuse to stay in the shelter of my bed fearing an anxiety attack because 'fear does not stop death, it stops life.' 

And now, the title. Because the light where the sky meets the sea calls me, even though no one knows how far it goes. And I think that is beautiful. I want to learn to embrace the future rather than fear it, to dance in the waves unafraid of the danger that the sea bed may conceal. 

Because when I cross that line, there's no telling how far I'll go. 


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