Saturday, 26 November 2016

anxiety, breathing, skin + bones.

I have been trying to think of an opening (or an anything) for this blog post because, like usual, I have NO PLAN. I just know I need to find some way to articulate this almost inarticulate state. Perhaps I shall start with writing a poem;

Monsters are not always hairy
With sharp teeth and aching limbs but sometimes 
Almost exciting, comforting 
(For the most part)
And you tell yourself that your monster is just fine. 
(How are you?)
I'm fine, thank you. 
But it's a lie because invisible or not,
Cosy or not, 
A monster is still a monster and it's finding a way to e a t 

My life has been a whirlwind. This is probably incredibly cliche but it is incredibly apt. Everything has happened, collapsed on my fragile brain, flattered my mere skin and bones. And they have been incredible, great things but crushing all the same.

And now I shall try and articulate these things (with a little help from analogies).

1. As most of you know, writing is my thing. It fuels me, excites me, helps me to process, escape and just live. I've never known if my thing has been good enough. Say, for example, you bake a salted caramel rainbow sprinkles jam sponge cake and give it to a group of people whom you know ADORE salted caramel rainbow sprinkles jam sponge cakes.  Obviously, they will say "ah that was so delicious." And then you get braver, riskier, and give the cake to the GBBO judges. You have no idea whether Mary or Paul have even tried a salted caramel rainbow sprinkles jam sponge cake, let alone liked one.

So they taste it... and they don't just like it, they LOVE it and they want  m o r e .

(Substitute the cake with 5 pieces of writing and you have the incredibly EXCITING thing that happened to me last week, after sending my creative writing off to my dream university).

Naturally, you freak out when Mary Berry and Paul like your unique cake. They are industry experts and you think "shit, maybe I'm actually good." And that's when you start re-thinking everything. You want to bake profusely, publish a recipe book, feed the whole world your cakes but you can't because your kitchen is too small and you've run out of ingredients.

2. On November 24th, I turned 18. The night before my 18th birthday I couldn't sleep. My heart was proliferating, I felt sweaty, my mind was shaking with ideas and worries and monsters. Even breathing proved tiring. I had just received all 5 of my uni offers and, oh my, was it overwhelming.
Because it turned out the other universities really liked salted caramel rainbow sprinkles jam sponge cake too.

((For those you that don't know, in England you choose 5 universities to apply too. If you get accepted you then just choose TWO universities. One as your firm choice (eg the university with the grade requirements that match your predicted grades) and one as your insurance (eg the university that has lower grade requirements than your predicted grades). If you get the grades for your firm choice on results day, you go there. If you don't, you go to your insurance.

BUT if a university really liked your application, they may offer you an unconditional offer if you put them as your firm choice. AKA you could get 3 E's and we would still let you on the course. Somehow, and I really don't know how, I got 4 unconditional offers which now means I must choose which one I go to and put as my firm choice. 

O V E R W H E L M I N G ))

*Disclaimer/ to iron out any misunderstanding* Obviously, I am thrilled with my offers. Ecstatic. But it still feels like an uncomfortable knot that I must try and unravel. Maybe no one else will understand? Maybe some one will? That's okay. This is just me trying to unpick my monsters (that maybe aren't even monsters at all?)

3. The feeling that I should have done more. I'm an adult now. Yesterday evening I abandoned all homework/revision and began frantically designing the cover for a poetry book!? Seriously. I just felt this impulsive need to self publish my poetry IMMEDIATELY like Rupi Kuar did with 'Milk + Honey'.

4. ANXIETY. I had my first panic attack two weeks ago. And it was definitely not fun. Since then I have been on and off ill, missing lessons and spending days in bed feeling like shit. I worry about the feeling, about missing out on life, missing lessons and this in turn makes me feel more ill. My heart trembles and dances angrily in my chest until I cannot focus on anything but the possible impending doom of heart failure.

It just all feels too much. A perverse pressure, an excitement that is manifesting itself in this horrible, persistent nausea. And I'm scared of this monster.

I guess I don't know quite how to dominate it yet.. But when I do, I shall definitely share.

Thank you for reading this mess,


  1. Dear Jessie,
    I don't remember if I've ever commented one of your posts here. Anyway, it's been a long time since I admire you. Besides, it's seems like we have many common points ^^
    What I just wanted to tell you is that everything will be okay. I can hardly tell you which university you should choose or not but I think that you should ask to your family and even friends. According to them, which university would you prefer? But the most important thing is to trust yourself. Honestly. Do what your heart tells you.
    And even if the university you'll choose is finally not that good, it doesn't matter. :)
    What I can tell you about your anxiety is that it may takes some time. So do all the things you love: art, writing, reading, everything you want and which makes you happy. It also helps me to focus on my breath for a while, to breathe deeply and slowly. Life is beautiful, you'll get through this! ☼

    Have a great weekend
    xo Elisa

    p.s: sorry if I've made some mistakes!

    1. This was such a well needed comment! You're so lovely- thank you <3 I have spoken to friends and family and have pretty much decided on a decision... it's still frightening though ahhh. But I do trust my heart! And you are so so right: life is very beautiful.

  2. I feel ya so much, I'm taking a gap year but still have the same over load of anxiety/emotion/what-the-hell-am-i-doing/excitement on what feels like a daily basis. And the adult thing, it freeeaaks me out. I'm so not ready to be an adult-how do you even adult?
    I hope ya feel more calm soon, A-levels are so bloody overwhelming we all need chill out time to design a poetry book (and lord I love Rupi Kaur)

    1. I RELATE. The what-the-hell-am-i-doing feeling is verrrryyy prominent. I have no idea how you adult so I shall pretend I am not ha. A-Levels need to calm down and YES- let's all write poetry books...

  3. First of all, congratulations on the universities! Omg that is so so amazing!!! Secondly, though, I'm sorry about your anxiety. I hope it gets better soon; I definitely understand feeling like there's not enough time in the day.

    1. Thank you so much! My anxiety gets better when I try to ignore it (aka not let the monsters dominate). Days are too short and often too long... HAve a lovely day and thank you for taking the time to comment :)

  4. First of all, congratulations! That's amazing that all the universities want you :) Secondly, though, I hope you feel better with your anxiety. I know how it feels to feel like there's not enough time in the day, and it sucks. But I hope everything will be better soon.

  5. OMG OMG CONGRATULATIONS!! 4 UNCONDITIONAL OFFERS? I'm so jel! you are one amazing human!! I think most people in our age group can understand the things you have talked about, i do! But you will iron it all out in time and one by one get everything in control! Take the pressure off yourself because you are so amazing and the uni offers prove it (and don't even need good grades anymore haha!)

    Tasha x

    p.s. happy bday for the other day!