Friday, 20 February 2015

feelings



I try to keep my blog as 'real' as possible. I don't try to fabricate a perfect life although I'm aware that most of my posts are positive. Sometimes I need to be real and write down how I feel...to express and collate my thoughts in to a paragraph.

Being sixteen can be overwhelming sometimes. I'm predicted high grades at school. Great. What happens if I don't get them? What happens if they were wrong and I'm not an A* student? Have I failed? A few weeks ago I got my English Language result back and I broke down. It was ridiculously embarrassing and I felt stupid and selfish for crying over a 'good' grade but for me it wasn't a 'good' grade. I had failed myself and my teacher and the subject which I love most in the world felt like a heavy rock. A rock I couldn't hold any more. So my teacher took me outside the classroom and told me that an exam is never reflective of your ability. He said that it didn't change how he viewed me as a writer and that I should NEVER loose enthusiasm. I will try to remember this as I get that envelope in the summer. I am intelligent. I am brave. I am special. One grade on a piece paper in no way equates to that.

The future is another topic that has been burying itself in to my brain. A levels. Degrees. CV. Personal Statements. Summer Camps. Work Experience. Help. If you excuse the cliché simile, it literally is like sitting in a car with no brakes. Yesterday I felt everything crumble on top of me. I found a degree and I started to get excited and planning and telling my mum at 60mph and texting my friends and then silence. The excitement wavered and I just felt... empty. You've got time, I told myself. One step at a time. Opportunities will arise. Doors are there to opened. Not yet though , you've got time.

I then lay in my bed and cried. Crying is never a sign of weakness. Your tears are a part of your identity as your thumb print is a part of your DNA. I cried because  I needed to release. I cried and I laughed and I smiled and I prayed and then I just stayed still. That moment, in bed with my fairy lights on and Sleeping At Last playing in my ears, I felt at peace. Never feel afraid to cry,

That was pretty scary, writing all that down. I hope you guys gain something from it, whether that be comfort or help. Stay strong and remember to close your eyes and breathe.

-J

*creds to tumblr for the picture*

8 comments:

  1. I was completely the same a couple of months ago. My A Level subjects were hard, I couldn't get my grades up for one particular subject, I was learning to drive, my friends were having troubles so obviously they felt like my own, university stress etc etc. All you need to do is just stop for a while and think about it in a bigger picture, if it will make you happy and how can you resolve more important things.
    I have actually applied to my uni course now and accepted my offers (!) which I am over the moon about. But before this, I changed the degree I wanted to do twice. The second time was once I'd already chosen what unis I already wanted to go to, so don't panic! As you said, you've got loads of time :-) I'm so happy that I changed it though (I've chosen Media) because it lead me to make my blog and get more active on social media, plus I've had no work experience, so it just shows you can do things in different ways :-)
    I hope everything works out for you soon, you'll be fine! Sorry for the mile long comment haha, I do love giving advice :-)

    Rebeka from Rebeka Taylor xx

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    1. Thank you Rebeka! This was extremely helpful and comforting. Looking at the bigger picture really does put life in to perspective .

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  2. Hey Jessie,
    I'm feeling similar to you. I am targeted mainly c's and I hate it. I feel embarrassed when all my friends are aiming for a/a*'s. So because of this I decided to bury myself alive with stress and doubt. But after that short while I got motivation, I needed to prove whoever I could wrong. I have. My mocks I guess showed that. But really... I am getting these grades for me, nobody else. They might be a small part of my life but they're still a part of it! I want to succeed because I want to. If I don't then that's ok because it is only a fraction of me. Whatever happens I know my capabilities and you know yours! So good luck, I know you have it in you.

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  3. The analogy of sitting in a car with no brakes is so accurate to how I've been feeling lately (ha), this was so relatable, and the 'good grades' not being 'good' - I need to remember what you said about them not defining one's abilities. Thanks for sharing, it was comforting. xox :)

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  4. Jessie, as a student myself I can tell where you are coming from. Honestly,as you said, It's just some writing on a piece of paper. If you didn't know, a C grade is the countries average so you are well above by the sounds of things! My brother is on his gap year right now and believe it or not, he misses the whole structure of school/college, it's difficult because it's a whole segment of your life that is almost over, but remember. How long will you live for in comparison? It's only a tiny segment of your life. Grades aren't all that matter! You could have a really clever, A* in everything student go for an interview that really struggles to actually talk and hold conversation. I think having a blog really prepares you for building your confidence and being able to talk to people. Sounds silly now but the thing that helped me through my exams was knowing that all my friends around me are in the same boat, you aren't alone! Hoping you feel better soon, we're all in this together!
    Much love,
    Becky xx
    Misrememberingmyself.blogspot.com

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  5. This is great. I feel this way all the time. I love how your writing is so raw and beautiful.
    When I feel like the world is going crazy around me, I like to sing "let it go" at the top of my lungs. And then cry. Thank you for your beautiful words! Keep writing, my friend.
    Sophia
    someplaceinthemidst.blogspot.com

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  6. You are so brave to write all your feelings down and put it on the Internet for everyone to read. But I am so glad you did, your writing is so good! You can't of got a bad grade in your english!! Just remember so many of us are going through exams too, it feels so scary that I need to know what i want to do with my life and I don't think it's right to put this pressure on us at our age. But we've gotta get on with it, exams will be over soon! Love your blog Jessie x
    http://catchingdreamsblog.blogspot.co.uk

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  7. This post is so so beautiful and sad but true. Thanks for sharing your feelings with us.
    On a completely unrelated topic, I nominated you for the liebster award. So if you want to answer to a few questions it'd be great. The blog post about it is here: http://craftyhandsandnails.blogspot.fr/2015/02/the-liebster-award.html

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